tuzemi: (Default)
Master: The Tao is the Un-Nameable.
Student: Do you mean the Tao is the NULL pointer?
Master: The NULL pointer is 0x0. It has a Name. It can be de-referenced on some architectures, or throw an exception. The Tao is the Un-Nameable.
Student: Is it SQL NULL?
Master: SQL NULL can be manipulated and filtered with IS NULL. The Tao is Un-Nameable.
Student: What then is Tao?
Master: Tao is possibility, inevitability, and absence. It is the data represented by the NULL field, the memory behind the NULL pointer. It is All and Not All. No opcode can locate it yet it resides at all levels of the instruction pipeline.
tuzemi: (Default)
The last four months are finally starting to hit me. Sheesh a lot has happened.

Let's recap... )

Along the way I had started to sit and really liked it. I haven't done that at all in the last month. I've also been failing to do Five Gratitudes or make time to write here.

I noticed now that I seem to attract hostility now online (offline is still fine). Some of that seems to be a general global everyone-is-pissed-off thing (maybe the freaking hot summer?), but a lot is definitely just me. I'm jumping in to deliver my $0.02 which is no different really than anyone else's $0.02, and doing so in a way that invites an angry response. And I've got some stuff I really am angry about including leftover crap/misdirected guilt from my extended family, the bigger picture of seeing American democracy very visibly crumbling, and the fact I've gained quite a bit of weight over the last two months.

So it's time to reboot things back into better habits. I'm going to sit this morning for as long as I can, have a small healthy breakfast, and later this afternoon post some gratitudes. I can't change the world much, but I can certainly get back to changing myself.
tuzemi: (Default)
Last night I tried to sit and count, and after 100 (about 15 minutes) I began to fall asleep. It did not help that the chair was quite uncomfortable. So I packed it in and went to bed, and slept very well indeed.

This morning I did better, sitting on the floor and making it to 100 before adjusting my legs. I was sitting Indian-style and my hips were starting to ache, so at about 120 (again 15 minutes) I stopped and slowly rose up. Though briefer than other sits, it is still good. My mind is a bit calmer and less focused on today's schedule. I will be going in to work this evening for a couple hours, and my mind has been antsy about it thinking of the things that must be done ahead of time before the work week begins again. But while sitting I thought instead, "What if I had been invited to see this and didn't even work here?" And I realized I would greatly be looking forward for the chance to see what they will be doing. So that is the attitude I will hope to keep with today: I get to knock out some trivial errands (laundry, minor shopping, lunch) and in return I will get to see something neat tonight and begin meeting more people.

I also decided that I would see if I could hang onto some "mindfulness" (not really the right concept) for longer today, and instead of trying to sit a longer 30+ minute session I will try a number of small 5-10 minute sits, and do so in other places like the laundromat chairs.

Other things I need to do today: Set up the computers at home with static IP addresses. Take the laptop backpack to work and bring that laptop home and see if I can VPN in. Pick up some Fruit2O for my diet. Call some of my family this afternoon. Take the trash bag to a dumpster. Read a few more chapters of Monkey. Maybe read a little more from my Chinese literature anthology.

Zen morning

Jun. 9th, 2011 06:09 am
tuzemi: (Default)
Today's started impatient, much like yesterday's. My sub-vocalized thoughts were to reach a high enough number that I would physically feel something like the earlier experiences. But I realized that in seeking I would push it away. Eventually I settled to a more calming tone, such that when I ended it after 20 minutes or so I was very relaxed and quiescent. The counting was a distraction as the numbers climbed up to 100 and then back to 1. Next time I will count only to 8 and then back at one, with the visual of a dharma wheel and repeating the words of the eightfold path. In that way I may both retain something useful and seek timelessness.


Jun. 5th, 2011 07:44 am
tuzemi: (Default)
That. Was. Cool.

Words do it little justice. Simply sitting still and counting... counting... inside. First the thoughts are "normal": work, today, things, memories, people, math, numbers, Internet news and blogs. Then the thoughts fade. Still there, but background now. Numbers, counting still there, but midground now. Foreground: words do not exist.

A peek, a glimpse. Lucid, awake, but dreaming too. Once at 17 I woke up without "waking up" and spent a morning in bliss. This is/was like that, but also different. Buddhist words start coming up, is that what this is? My hands are the anchor, my head feels floating. I try to stop counting, to return as normal, but cannot. Time passes longer, my back aches a little but not enough to stop the count. I hear noises come and go, but want to keep counting. It's not enlightenment or understanding, it's not no-thought either, it's not my mind separated from my body (though my body is also background). It's something entirely different and new.

Do our minds really do this? I have never experienced this before.

I finally take a very deep breath, slowly, but fill my lungs up, and crack my eyes and start lifting my head. I feel weightless as I stand. I hope someday to be able to do this on my own in a full lotus, and look forward to tomorrow to try this again.

How deep can this go? Is it a pool in the forest, or the beach of an ocean?
tuzemi: (Default)
Zen is. Somehow "selling water by the river" is Zen. Some questions to ponder:

Who is selling?
Who is buying?
What is the currency?
When is the transaction complete?
Can it be returned?
What is water?
What is the river?
Is there more than one river?
Is there more than one water?
How does one distinguish between water and the river?
How does one measure the amount of water?
"By": in English "by" could mean both "in the amount of" or "beside". Is that also true for the original saying? Could it be a peddler selling water right next to the river and ALSO a peddler selling water by naming a river?
"Is": perhaps the hardest concept to pin down. How can Zen "be" rather than "do"? Zen is said to be an action, yet Zen also just "is".

I will think on this more later.


tuzemi: (Default)

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